Seeing Red
Posted by Mishi Methven on Feb 21, 2012
Seeing Red (Curls)
Anger is not an emotion that I spend a lot of time on. Out of all the things I've felt in the last 8 months, anger is always the one I try to push away because it seems so unproductive and destructive. But… once in awhile, I just can't help it. I feel the fire inside me starting to crackle and burn.
People who know me will know that my temper is more like a firecracker than a forest fire--- I can go from 0 to 60 in seconds and back again. Once I've "exploded", I'm usually done and can return to normal quite quickly. I would say it's the redheaded temper--- except I don't have red hair!
But my anger about Stella's cancer has not been like a firecracker… it's a slow burn that starts deep inside my stomach and then creeps through my blood before it reaches my cheeks, making sure to stop at my aching heart for a long enough time to hurt. I hate feeling angry. It's one of the few emotions that I have a really hard time controlling, and for a personality like mine, losing control is pretty disconcerting. But…who am I kidding. I haven't felt like I can control anything since June 24th, 2011.
Part of the catalyst of my anger was that lovely Ontario holiday, Family Day. I am generally a fan of it… a day celebrating families is a nice sentiment, but this year Aimee and I boycotted it. A holiday celebrating parents and kids felt almost mocking to us. And I started to think about what a horrible title "Family Day" is for a public holiday. Not everyone has families. Not everyone has positive connotations with the word "family". I began to think about those from broken families, those people struggling to create families, those who have been abused or disowned from their families. And the more I thought about it, the worse mood I was in. Soon, I was allowing myself to be mad at anything and everything. Before I knew it, I was so mad I was seeing red.
I saw red when I walked by Aldwych Park, where I used to bring Stella to play. She liked the slide and the swings the best. I glared at the children running around and shouting, and the parents standing there smiling with their Starbucks coffees. I know those parents. I used to be one. They looked so smug.
I saw red when I emptied out two diaper genies, ran out of wipes and diaper cream for both kids, and thought about how Aimee and I have two children who we change multiple times a day…but one of them used to be potty trained and one of them should be able to do so much more than lie helplessly on a change table incapable of rolling over, moving, or even opening her legs.
I saw red when I tried to read Stella a book and her head kept flopping down to her chest, so I had to hold her head back with one of my hands on her forehead, while trying to turn pages and hold the book with the other hand.
I saw red when I went through Stella's drawers and removed all the clothing that no longer fits her. It's a reminder that she's getting bigger…taller…older. But she's dying. It makes no sense. I filled her drawers with new T-shirts Aimee had gone out to buy. T-shirts in 3T because that's what fits her. T-shirts so that we can access the ports that are now on both of her arms. T-shirts so we can stick thermometers under her arms and phenobarbituate and morphine in her arms.
I saw red when I saw a mother lecturing her daughter about how they had to hurry to get home in time to practice piano before their next play date, and rolling her eyes and tugging at her kids jacket impatiently, rushing her away from the park. I used to do that to Stella. I hate that I used to do that.
I saw red when the 6 o'clock news featured lineups at the Science Centre, Zoo and Harbourfront where kids and their parents waited to enjoy family day together. I was mad at the parents who complained about having to wait in line, while my once active daughter lay flopped on the couch, clicking her tongue rhythmically at the air.
I saw red when I had to spend an inordinate amount of time filling a syringe with deadly medication, tapping out the bubbles, double checking the amount and then pinning my 2-year olds arms down while I gave her an injection painfully slowly to minimize the pain. I was hardly breathing from the stress of it all.
I saw red when I thought about all the parents who need to watch their children in pain constantly. The parents whose children endure years, or even a lifetime of painful treatments for various ailments. I saw red for anyone who has lost someone they loved with all their heart, whether they were 1 day old or 100 years old.
The problem with anger is that there is nowhere to put it. When I am sad, I cry tears. When I'm happy, I smile or laugh. But when I'm angry, there is no way to express it so I just use the energy to organize the house, or go for a quick walk. It doesn't make me feel good to be in a place of anger. After muttering to myself most of the day and feeling a nervous angry energy that I couldn't shake, I went for a long walk with Sam. He has these deep eyes that make me feel as though he knows more than he's letting on. I let myself get lost in his eyes for awhile. I could feel him rallying me on to go back to the house, take a deep breath, and do what needed to be done. To let go of the anger and focus on the love that has sustained us so far.
We returned home and Stella was waiting on the couch. She held her arm out to me and mouthed, "Mama…hold me". I sank into the couch and scooped her into my arms, wondering why she is never angry at the fact that her body is completely betraying her. At the age of two she is a much better person that I could ever hope to be.
I saw red again, but this time it was Stella's curls. It was her lips. It was cheeks, rosy from pressing up against the couch. It was chipped nailpolish. It was the sunset.
And this time when I saw red, I smiled.
Visit from Tutu's Dog, Buddy to brighten the day
This is Stella's devilish smile. I'm pretty sure she's thinking something along the lines of... 'the only thing better than having one baby to torture, is two!'
Hanging out with Auntie Heather
Stella getting ready to go out for a (very rare) walk
Comments (18)
chrystal:
Feb 26, 2012 at 10:05 AM
I am sorry I dont know you but I work for a family who does know you that would be Julia cam and ava, ava loves and talks about stella and sam alot, naming her babies after them and I love her for that and find it so amazing the love she shows for them at such a young age, i wish you the best and feel for you immensely, i have prayed for you and believe stella will be dancing and loving you from heaven.....hugsssssssssssss
sara:
Feb 25, 2012 at 09:45 PM
I find myself thinking of you all this evening - amazing how you have touched so many lives with your journey. Love, strength and best wishes. Your strength is superhuman and inspiring. Stella is absolutely gorgeous. xox.
Lisa Burt:
Feb 25, 2012 at 08:44 PM
Bruner and Mishi, oh my goodness. STELLA is absolutely beautiful. The picture of her cousin and brother is amazing, you guys are amazing and are doing an incredible job. Stella LOVES you Soooooo much
Jenn:
Feb 25, 2012 at 01:46 AM
Mishi, every time I read one of your posts, I am reminded of the following quote: "You never know how Strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". I remain in awe of the strength you and Aimee show on a daily basis. You are, as always in my thoughts and prayers.
Shannon:
Feb 24, 2012 at 10:00 PM
Mishi and Aimee; I've been lying in bed, thinking about you, and beautifu Stella. Finally I had to get up to share my thoughts with you both. I don't want to come across as preachy, but I truly believe that God has chosen the 2 of you, and Stella, to "live" the life you have. As cruel as that sounds, here is my reasoning, since her diagnosis, you have done nothing but give every ounce of your being to providing Stella with the most excellent, loving and memorable experiences. You relish every second of every day, and can see the beauty in the smallest things- her smile. Death is cruel, and often I question God- how can he be all good, if he can allow an innocent child to suffer so horribly. Any child. I don't have an answer for that. But I still do believe in God, and that he does take care of us. That heaven is the most beautiful place, where there is no pain, no suffering, only love and beauty. Stella is blessed to have such loving, all encompassing, passionate- you mean the world to me- parents. You chose the route that I know I myself would have chose for both myself, or my loved ones. Take the time you have, and cherish every single moment you have. Make memories, make sure she is happy, and rest is the knowledge that she knows she is loved. Not everyone can help a child die. I don't know how you do it, I guess it's one of those things you just Do, because you don't have a choice. But you both have made the choice to make the best out of whatever time Stella has left, and for that, I truly believe you were chosen. Not often do we hear complaints or negativity, when that would come naturally. You are taken the situation you were given, and living it the best way possible. So while there is no explanation as to why our God could find reason to allow children to suffer and die from such horrendous diseases, you 2 have obviously been the most perfect choice to be Stella's parents. I pray for you all the time, and believe me, as someone who suffers from depression, I've asked God, why, when you have someone who so desperately questions why they are alive, or whether I even WANT to be alive, why couldn't you have placed Stella's, or any child for that matter, burden upon me? But that isn't the way life works. And so, I hope that those beautiful uplifting smiles continue, and that when the time comes, Stella find true peace, and that the 2 of you, will know that you have done THE BEST job in giving Stella the best life possible.
Florence Bivens:
Feb 24, 2012 at 12:37 PM
Dear Aimee and Mishi .. I hope you don't hate me for putting this song in my comments. I accidentaally stumbled across it on you tube..[This is Beautiful..try not to cry] already told me that I would!! I listened all the way thru, crying..and thinking of your family...Please listen, holding hands, in a quiet time, not holding #Stella while you do so. Know I love you, feel so emotionally involved... Thank you so much ... flo ~~ > Song http://youtu.be/jvhUoiPt810
Marlene:
Feb 24, 2012 at 09:18 AM
I am so sorry that anger took over but I am not surprised .... Your efforts to get through this, the compassion --the humanity ..... Through this Sam will grow up knowing what it means to be courageous as Stella defies the odds! And as his mums muster from within What it means to be human.... And to love a child
Studies on people who have faith in something higher fair better .... I am not religious but similar to a earlier comment-- I was approached by a complete stranger he was big like Arnold Schwarzenegger ... He stopped me on the street and said "take care of yourself and God will take care of everything else" and went on his way .... I think that we are more ..... like walking up to a total stranger and letting them know you care and like all the people who have never met your precious family leaving messages here that we care! Take care of yourselves .... Love the pictures!
Darin:
Feb 23, 2012 at 12:20 PM
My experiences with family going through health issues and similar scenarios such as yours, keeps me from commenting very often. The flood of emotion, anger, loss is just as real to me today. I prefer to choose when it floods me, so I limit my depth. But that's not all that comes flooding back, so does the love. Such powerful love. That's the deal. Just as Flo mentioned, "How does anger, sadness, yes, depression exist simultaneously ~ or at least only seconds apart, so they seem all mixed together, with Joy, Excitement, Gratitude?". It's all there, in your heart and mind, and will always be there. People will say, "it will get better, you won't feel sad forever." That's not true. They all come flooding back from time to time. It's all these experiences in life that have taught me the importance of appreciating them all. The good, and also the difficult emotions, thoughts, and feelings. When I lose someone close to me, then much later in life, I cling to all of these things, the great times and the most difficult, desperate times. Those are our most sacred shared moments. Those memories reinforce the importance of every immediate moment, and teach me to be selfless, caring, and share as much love as possible. The bring that person back to me, even if only for a moment. But it's the greatest moment..and the worst moment..and a moment that I usually need to relive.
I don't know you and your family, only through your blog and comments/pics, but I know your feelings and emotions like you were my a part of my soul. I keep up with your situation. I cry with you, I pound my fist on the table when you do, my heart breaks with yours. I've been praying, and will continue to do so. You are doing so well with this situation, and Stella loves everything you do. Keep going, always keep going for those great kids. You've no reason to envy the opportunity of others, you have the most precious little girl, you have witnessed her greatness. You have seen heaven in her eyes. *hugs* ~Darin
Catrina:
Feb 23, 2012 at 11:41 AM
Once again Mishi, I'm blown away by your post 'Seeing Red'. Thank you for sharing and putting so many trivial things into real perspective.
I saw Stella's beautiful artwork hung so proudly in Tutu's house. Wow. It's beautiful and the first thing you see as you walk through the front hallway. My gosh, Stella has really LIVED a lot in this past year. She has done and enjoyed more than most kids would do in a lifetime. I heartily congratulate you and Aimee on the wonderful job you're doing as Mommies to this precious child. I can't wait to see the other artwork she's done. Perhaps you can post photo's in the blog to share with everyone. Big hug! from me and Lucy and all her 4-legged roommates.
flo bivens:
Feb 23, 2012 at 09:00 AM
Ooopsie... That should read "Big" JJ , not "Bug" JJ ( maybe a subconscious thought..maybe I think of her that way, cause she surely BUGS me...although she is showing improvement.
..flo
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