Time Heals
Posted by Mishi Methven on Nov 20, 2012
Time Will Heal
“Time will heal”
Time doesn’t heal. Time takes Stella both further and farther away from me. Maybe time numbs, but it doesn’t heal. Nothing will ever heal me and time is not the answer.
“At least you have your sons”
My sons are not Stella. It doesn’t matter if I had 100 children, none of them would be Stella. I love them but they don’t make up for losing my daughter. They are not comparable.
“She’s in a better place now”
A better place? What place could possibly be better than here, in my arms, surrounded by all the people who love her most in the world.
“You need a vacation”
You don’t understand. There is no “vacation”. There is never a break from the intense pain that comes with every breath. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in bed, or lying on a beach, I can’t get away from the grief.
“Why don’t you go for a nice, long walk?”
Because when I go for walks, I see three year old girls everywhere. They skip down the street, curls bouncing merrily on their shoulders as they chatter incessantly to their mothers.
“Have you tried a change of scenery?”
It doesn’t matter where I go. There are avocados at every grocery store. There is a Tim Horton’s on every corner. The stores have racks of brightly-coloured dresses and shelves full of Dora The Explorer running shoes. There are cupcakes and ice cream and poppies and butterflies and stars dotting every corner of this earth.
“She lived a full life. At least you had her for three years”
Is three years enough? Is thirty? Is three hundred? It doesn’t matter how long we had her for, how happy her life was, there is no good time for your child to die. There is no way you can tell me that in three years Stella accomplished everything she could have. Her life should have been so much fuller, so much longer.
“You’re so lucky to have such a close-knit and supportive group of family and friends”
I love my family and friends. I would not be here without them. I’m blessed. But don’t tell me I’m lucky. There is nothing lucky about what I’ve just had to live through and witness.
“It was meant to be. Just look at all you’ve learned and how much you’ve grown through all this. She did what she was supposed to do”
Losing a child is completely unnatural. It will never be “meant to be”. None of the lessons learned are worth the pain that comes with them. She didn’t do what she was “supposed” to do. She was supposed to live a long and healthy life. She was not supposed to die.
“I’m sorry for your loss”
I didn’t lose Stella. She was taken from me. She was ripped from my arms by a cruel, aggressive and rare form of cancer. I didn’t misplace her, she died.
“I know how you feel”
No you don’t. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lost a parent, dog or even a child. No one knows how I feel. My feelings are my own. My thoughts are my own. My journey is my own.
I am aching.
I am sad.
I am lonely, though I’m not alone.
I have not moved on. I will never “move on”
I can’t forget. Don’t make me pretend I have.
Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away.
I am lost.
Time does not heal
Time does not heal
Time does not heal
Healing is curative.
Grief is not something I can be cured of.
Healing means to make something better.
Nothing can make this better.
Healing has to do with wholeness.
Without Stella, I will never be truly whole again.
Time does not heal
Time elapses
Time does not heal
Time numbs
Time does not heal
Time hurts
“She is still with you. She is always with you”
Then why can’t I find her????? I’ve looked in every room. I’ve called her name until my throat got hoarse. I’ve closed my eyes and tried to feel the soft weight of her in my arms. I’ve even searched my dreams late at night. But she’s gone.
And time has not brought her back. Time has not healed.
Just tell me you’re sorry.
Just hug me.
Just be there.
Just say her name, shout it, celebrate it.
Just give me time.
But don’t expect it to heal me.
Visiting Stella's Memorial Tree at Riverdale Farm with the boys, and our friend Tobin:
Gracie spends time with Hugo at her weekly sleepover:
Aimee and our boys:
I just found this photo on my IPad. It was taken a year ago, when I was figuring out how to work the camera. I've never seen it before. I don't remember much about taking it...which is why I like it. It's a new moment with Stella:
Comments (48)
Sandra:
Dec 12, 2012 at 02:47 PM
Sometimes people say the "wrong" things because there are no right words to express to someone who has undergone such a traumatic loss. They want to say the right words, but they don't always know them.
What you went through was horrible and traumatic and wrong. Cancer is an evil monster that picks its victims at random. I've lost many loved ones including pets to cancer and for that I hate the disease with a passion. Every time I have lost someone I loved I have felt hatred for this disease. Even reading your blogs makes me so angry at cancer that it would once again claim a victim-this time a beautiful, precocious girl who deserved a full and happy life. Sorry for you went through. Someday, cancer will lose!
Marts:
Nov 28, 2012 at 05:33 PM
Mishi, I found myself smiling as I read this because you sound the way you describe stella: straight up, honest and unapologetic. Own your feelings, it is so refreshing and a tribute to your spirited daughter.
Colleen:
Nov 27, 2012 at 08:23 PM
I just wanted to let you know that as I lay putting my little one to bed tonight it was Stella that I was thinking about. Stella is the reason I was laying with her at all. I NEVER did that before I knew about Stella and your family. I didn't sing one more song or read one more story. I had a hard time relaxing the rules, capturing moments and was worrying all the time about whether I was raising "good" kids instead of enjoying them. I am in debt to Stella and your family for bringing what is important into focus. While time may not heal I hope that knowing the impact Stella has had will be a salve for your battered soul.
Danielle:
Nov 26, 2012 at 10:13 AM
Sending you and Aimee a warm hug today......just because.....just because one mom does not need an excuse to send another mom a loving hug....just because this past weekend we celebrated one of my grandson 3rd birthday and thought a Stella during the whole time......just because when I gave my daughter my phone to use, Stella picure came up on my screen and she knew all about Stella and told her husband "this is the little girl I told you about"....just because.....our newest and only granddaughter she is only 16 weeks and her name is Aimee......Just because for today HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS.....
karen:
Nov 25, 2012 at 11:44 PM
Just feeling so sad for you all, and sending you care.
And a thought... I had a 'what would Stella do' moment the other day. You once described Stella as having "never been afraid. Not once. Never." So there I was, a few days ago, stuck, afraid to do something, immobilized, and out of the blue the thought occurred to me... "what would Stella do?" I laughed... here I am, being taught (again) by this small child I never had the blessing to meet. And I found my way forward, into more courageous action.
Karen
Natalie:
Nov 25, 2012 at 02:07 PM
Love to you all! (((((HUGS))))) I'm so profoundly sorry that this clusterfuck of a cancer wreaked havoc on your lives. Stella not being in your arms anymore is so insanely unfair and senseless. I think most people say stupid things (me included) because they want to make it better, but it will never be better, nothing can fix this. I'm so so so sorry, and my heart and all my love is being sent your way, everyday.
Natalie
Susan:
Nov 25, 2012 at 09:53 AM
Each one of us who have contributed to this blog has searched for the right thing to say or do. Something to help your pain....What I am seeing now though, is others who's children or adult children have died, sharing their lives with you. If nothing else, I hope that you, Aimee, your sons and family can connect with those that may very well feel your pain the way and in the same depth that you do. All I have for you is my heart; it is full of wishes for everything you need. I am thinking of you all and Stella everyday.
Lynn:
Nov 25, 2012 at 12:52 AM
I am so sorry. I want to say, "It gets better." It does not. Ever! A few months after my 34 year old son died, a co worker told me "It never gets better!" She lost her son in a tragic accident 15 years ago. I cried so hard when she said that. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I understand. It never gets better. Your beautiful Stella is gone, and will never come back. It does not matter that you have 2 other children, as I do. They are not Stella. They will never be Stella. They do not have her beautiful red curls. Her sense of humour. They are not her! They are not Stella, and will never be Stella.It does not matter if you had her 3 years, or as with my son Mark, 34 years. It is not enough. Never enough.
Of course you see her everywhere. I see my beautiful Mark everywhere. I cannot go to Toronto, I hate Toronto, because I see him everywhere. You are looking for Stella, and if you are like me, you want to know, Where is she? How can such a beautiful, strong, unique presence, be just gone? Where is Stella? Where is Mark? We will survive for our living children, but the hole in our hearts never fills in, or goes away. Fake it. Smile, Laugh, Live. Stella knows, as does Mark. We remember.
Laura:
Nov 24, 2012 at 07:58 PM
I'm sorry. I don't know, I can only imagine. I can only imagine what it would feel like to lose my own daughter, and my heart recoils in terror. Even if I feel like I've known pieces of Stella over the past year, I know I don't know and love her as both her mothers do.
That deeply, intimate way. The love that is the life line from you, to her, back to you again. The smell of her hair after being in the sun. The fragrance of her skin after a bath. The way you know, just by looking at her, what she is thinking and feeling. She is part of your body, your soul, part of your lungs, your bones, your heart that beats both your blood and hers.
How do you live without all that? How do you live without your life line? Your heart and lungs? Your bones?
And how to do words even begin to offer comfort? Misguided and horribly awkward attempts to relay empathy. It's a sick macabre of failed attempts. Even my own. Time heals. She's in a better place. At least you had her for a while. It implies that somehow Stella's very existence can be reduced and simplified into a concept as vague and ambiguous as time, or a life lesson, or a simple mindset of gratitude. When in reality, she was the universe.
She was that encompassing, that huge.
I'm so sorry. I love each of you. Stella changed me. Tonight I said her name out loud. It made me smile.
MARG BALDWIN:
Nov 24, 2012 at 02:01 AM
There is a story I would like to share with you. when our daughter Dana was sick I had a very special frien Maeve Finan (Irish neighbour).. Maeve used to have "dreams" of people and many of them came true... Anyway in the end we were trying to get Dana into the tub and wash her. Every time we tried to move her she would cry that her head hurt and we would stop. We had a big piece of foam in the tub for her to rest on. Finally one Day she wanted her bath and hair washed I called Maeve and she came over to help we got her into the tub washed her and her hair. she was laughing when we laid her on the bed in a towel and Maeve said we should put her in the dryer with a cling free sheet. Maeve helped me alot in many ways. anyway I sewed alto in the old days and made Dana a cute little dress with Strawberry Shortcake fabric. everyone knew of this dress. but when it came to send her body to the funeral parlour I picked out a white dress with blue butterflies on it, her white socks and little black fabric chinese shoes. her body was creamated and no one but family knew what I had sent for her to be dressed in.... a few months after her death Maeve came over to my house and said "Ihad the most beautiful dream of Dana last night, she was running in a field of flowers her hair blowing in the wind and she was wearing that blue butterfly dress you made for her " I was astounded as NO ONE knew what we had sent to the funeral parlor and her body was cremated we also had a memorial service for her no viewing... anyway I have wanted to share this with you both for a very long time and I hope this story will give you some peace.
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