A Christmas Smackdown
Posted by Mishi Methven on Dec 17, 2012
Christmas Smackdown
I’ve never actually been physically beaten up before--- unless you count the fights I had with my sister when I was a kid and we would yank each other’s hair and chase each other around the house, more to cause fear than actual pain. Although I did throw a fork at her head once. But I’ve seen boxing matches, and it always amazes me that these men and women get punched repeatedly in the guts and faces and keep getting back up, only to be punched again.
Since returning from Hawaii, that’s exactly how I feel--- like I keep getting knocked down by grief, then I get back up again only to get sucker pummeled again. I feel bloodied and bruised and exhausted. The Christmas season is kicking my ass.
Catherine Porter’s newspaper articles and e-book came out while we were away. I actually haven’t read the articles yet. I wanted to. I meant to. I always intended to, but when I started to read the first few paragraphs of Part 1, I felt sick to my stomach. Catherine is such a good writer, it was too hard for me to read. The details she pinpointed so exactly and vividly were too raw for me to relive. I’d already seen DIPG cancer strip away my daughter’s life once, and I couldn’t bear to do it again. Since Aimee and I were on the other side of the world, it all felt very distant when the writings were published. Auntie Angie sent photos of the newspapers to our phones while we were away, but it still wasn’t very concrete. When we got home and walked into our living room there was a huge stack of Toronto Star’s that our family had collected for us while we were away, and there she was… my beautiful little girl staring out at me, her strawberry blonde curls framed by rows and rows of black and white text. Fingernails painted and looking so damn alive in the picture and in the words I skimmed. But she’s gone. She is a pile of ashes housed in a tiny stone box, currently sitting in storage. Newspaper’s report yesterday’s news
and Stella lives on only in yesterday’s. There are no tomorrow’s left for her.
That was the first blow I felt, but they just keep coming.
Friday I turned on the TV only to see horror unfolding--- the shootings in Connecticut. The situation of the people who lost loved ones in that unfathomable massacre is very different from what happened to us, but I felt their pain intensely. Whereas before I might have watched the TV coverage with interest, but distance, this time I felt myself recoiling in despair as I watched it all unfold on CNN. This time I could picture bright Christmas presents already wrapped and labeled with names piled under trees dripping with tinsel. I could smell the clothing that was left on bedroom floors that morning in the rush to get to school/work on time. This time I could hear the sound of hearts breaking. I could taste the metallic-y blood that seeps into your mouth when you bite your cheeks as hard as you can to keep from screaming when you realize all you have lost. I wanted to turn off the TV, to turn off the thoughts in my brain, but I didn’t. I didn’t do it because I wanted to feel the pain and sadness for the people in Connecticut, sharing the burden the way that so many people have shared it with us for the last year and a half.
Saturday Aimee and I decided that we wanted to get a Christmas Tree for the boys. We won’t do anything else. No stockings, no lights, no shopping. Last year was the first time we purchased a real tree. We set it up in the living room at the end of Stella’s couch, and she absolutely loved it. She smiled and laughed and flapped at it. We wanted to get a tree again this year, to honour her and remember. Aimee took Gracie to the store and they came home, proudly carting a 7-foot pine tree with them. Gracie and Sam bounced off each other with excitement, yanking decorations out of the boxes and chasing each other around with them. It was a bright, happy scene full of energy and colour, but I felt as though there was a weight on my heart the whole time. Out of the box came “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament with a photo of Stella in a red cable-knit sweater, smiling brightly. Stella’s 7-month footprint on a glazed pottery ornament with “Stella 2009” written in black marker. Her daycare photo from 2011, framed in sparkly wood, smiling out at us from between the branches. It’s as though the tree this year is decorated with tears instead of ornaments.
Sunday at Church, I was already feeling weepy before anything started. There is something so safe and comforting about Church that allows me to put my guard down immediately. The first hymn we sang was about Stars, and I wept through it. Then it was the Nativity pageant at Church. At one point, a whole pile of little kids dressed as sheep ran onto the stage with goofy smiles and crooked ears. They were adorable and they shattered my already tender heart. I imagined that Stella may have been up there this year too. She would have been almost 4, just the right age to play an adorable little sheep. But her smile will never bleet out at me from the stage.
And that’s what it’s been like…Children dying, Wham. Christmas ornaments, Wham. Sheep, Wham. One blow after the other. Picking myself up and getting knocked back down again.
I haven’t done any Christmas shopping, except for a few odd items for Xavier and Gracie. It surprises me how meaningless it all feels this year. The boys are too young to care about the Holiday’s, and Stella is gone. Whereas last year there was a sense of “just getting through” with everyone, now I feel as if there is an expectation for everything to go back to normal. Same old Christmas full of gifts and cookies and small talk. And I loathe it. It feels icky this year. Forced and fake.
We’ve been working on finding ways to incorporate Stella into our Christmas. We’ve put some beautiful metal stars on our Christmas tree, a gift from Flora’s parents, that catch the light and shine. Poppa spent hundreds of dollars purchasing huge light-up stars for family and friends to hang in their windows, "Stella Stars" he calls them. We took Sam, Xavier and Hugo for a photo with Santa and put all three boys in the t-shirts we made for Stella’s funeral (her photo is one them), so she is “in” the photos as well. Each year I get a personalized Christmas ornament for the tree. In 2008 it said “Aimee and Mishi” in 2009 and 2010 it said “Aimee, Mishi, Stella”. In 2011 it said, “Aimee, Mishi, Stella, Sam”. This year I couldn’t bring myself to not include her on the ornament, so it says, “Aimee, Mishi, Stella, Sam, Hugo” and Stella’s name is bookended in wings. I went to a “Blue Christmas” service at Church tonight. It was quiet and lovely and contemplative. But no matter what we do, it doesn’t fill the hole. Stella isn’t here and I miss her more and more each day.
I’ve been trying to strip away the layers of Holiday cheer this year. Strip away the wrapping paper, the money spent in malls, the overabundance of food, the cards and chit chat. Strip away the expectations, the stress, the running around, the self-imposed obligations and the multiple commitments. Strip away Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, candles, prayers, carols. What is left? Family. Love.
I will get through Christmas this year. Like going through a storm, you don’t really have a choice but to wait for it to pass. I will continue to get up even when I know it will hurt. And my gifts this year will be as follows:
To my friend who hurt me deeply, forgiveness.
To the people who don’t quite get it, tolerance.
To my sons, smiles and energy.
To my family, love.
To my daughter, a bit more fearlessness
To myself, patience.
Gracie and Sam decorate the tree:
Christmas Tree, 2012:
Stella at Christmas last year (2011):
Comments (24)
April B:
Dec 24, 2012 at 09:30 PM
I thought of you all when I heard about the shootings. I knew it would be particularly keen for you. I send you love all the time, and say Stella's name sometimes just a whisper, to make sure it gets said. You are loved, and she is loved. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am so glad to get to hear your feelings. Sending you love, thinking of you in these days and weeks and months.
April
MJ & Scarlett:
Dec 23, 2012 at 12:30 AM
STELLA!
STELLA JOY!
It is another month today...i still remember...i still say her name out loud for you each day...
Dear Mishi, Aimee, Sam & Hugo...i am sending you my heartfelt hugs...
First i want to say that the 3 part articles by Catherine Porter were incredible...very hard to read...it took several days to complete as each page i was overcome with emotion...the one picture of you Mishi said so much...the pain in your face...most of the pictures i have seen in your blog have been with smiles but that was the first time i saw what STELLA’S illness was doing to you...As well, there was one picture of you Aimee which showed intense pain & finally the last picture of you both having the last moments with STELLA...I want to thank you for sharing these deeply personal moments with us & more so for your donation to science...STELLA JOY continues to be a champion for children...
I know the next couple days will be particularly difficult... The JOY & excitement of Christmas Day with all the children sitting around the tree anxious to open their gifts to see what Santa has brought them…the little curly red-headed girl that won’t run down the hall begging you to wake up at 5am so she can open her gifts…One less everything…I write all these things because I’m sad for you…I’ve adopted your family in my heart & will never forget you…
However, i am truly amazed at how you continue to find ways to keep STELLA in the now...
The Christmas pictures with everyone wearing shirts with STELLA’S picture...the ornament with all your names...STELLA’S book ended with wings...you teach us all so much...
I dedicate my day again today to STELLA JOY...my hero in spirit...
I was shopping for my little nieces & nephews at Toys R Us today...at the check-out the cashier asked if i would like to purchase a star for the Starlight For Children Foundation...i gladly said yes & the name i put on the star was STELLA JOY...to honour her today...
I wanted to share with you a few STELLA moments that happened during the past weeks…
I was dropping my 17month old daughter Scarlett at my mother-in-laws house (babysitter) before work at 8am & my daughter immediately ran to the TV because my mother-in-law always has Scarlett’s favorite programs on ready for her…
On this particular day there was a program called The Wiggles…this episode was in a classroom of aboriginal children (mostly all boys between 7 & 10 years of age) dancing & singing…the camera then panned out & in the left corner of the screen was a little girl that looked approximately 3½ years old…stood out because she was far younger than all the other children but more importantly, she was fair skinned with red hair & little curls, wearing a pale blue dress…she was waving her hands in the air & dancing around on her own…I asked my mother-in-law if she saw the little red head & she said yes but thought how unusual that she was the only child that wasn’t aboriginal…I suggested that it could have been a guest…but in my mind I imagined STELLA traveling with her wings to visit the classroom in Australia & stopped for a dance :)…
The other day I put the new Disney Junior channel & the first program I saw was STELLA & SAM…the episode was of them traveling to another planet called Panella…I imagined STELLA again…
My last STELLA moment & most special was back on November 7th … it would have been my dad’s 70th birthday (he died at 56)…this would have been a milestone birthday for him & I felt very down that day…I felt unresolved feelings because I never spoke at my dad’s funeral…I just couldn’t believe he was dead & couldn’t talk about the wonderful person he was…so I decided to write a memorial for him & say all things I wanted to 14 years ago, then posted on facebook for my friends & family to read.
That nite after I picked up my daughter & as I started driving home on the QEW, a truck drove in front of me & on the back was a large STAR…same shape as the STELLA STAR…I had never seen this transport company in my life & I’ve been commuting for many years…at that moment I smiled & said “Thanks STELLA”…
The following morning I received so many wonderful comments regarding my memorial post…which touched my heart…I started driving to work again on the QEW & again a truck drove in front of me…it was the SAME truck with the large STAR…again I smiled & said “Thanks STELLA”…I have never seen the truck again since…
Please know that your daughter & your family are never forgotten & so many of us pray for you everyday...a single star sits on my tree amongst all the ornaments which is dedicated to STELLA JOY...
Love...MJ & Scarlett
"My Grown Up Christmas List"
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up Christmas list
This is my only lifelong wish
This is my grown up Christmas list
Leah:
Dec 21, 2012 at 02:02 AM
As a fellow mom, my instinct is to rush in and to hold you both up. I want to hug you and make it all better. I want your hurt to go away even though I know it can't.
Your blog, Time Heals, makes me so proud of your honesty and courage about describing your loss. The horror of losing a loved one is unfathomable, yet ultimately universal. I too lost a baby. Different circumstances with my own personal pain.
Thank you for being brave and honest enough to explain your family and your loss to us.
Suman Ganesh:
Dec 20, 2012 at 06:33 PM
Aimee and Mishi, I have been following Stellas story for few months. I lost my 5 year old girl to DIPG last month. It's been less than 4 weeks...She passed away on 11/25/2012. .. I can understand completely .... I too have been feeling the same. I feel have been beaten up again and again and again and again..... I think I am feeling better than I remember something our , my girl and start crying all over again. I have 7 weaker at home to take care ... Our son. Zoey got 25 days with him before DIPG just stopped her breathing ..... She got to be a big sister only for 25 days ... That's it. With zoey she was mostly asymptomatic all through radiation and enjoyed that time. Her eyes remained crossed .....She started showing some symptoms 2 weeks before passing away ... Nd even till the end she was able to eat, talk , walk with support, dance with support..... Her tumor was very agressive and just caused her breathing issues which took her life ....
I just wanted to say I know exactly what u are feeling ....
Thanks for writing .... It is helping me with my greif.
Suman
Zoeys mom (06/11/2007 to 11/25/2012)
Danielle:
Dec 20, 2012 at 02:43 PM
Hello Mishi, Aimee, {Stella}, Sam and Hugo. There is not much that one can say especially at Christmas and especially when our love one {Stella} is not here to physically celebrate. But we go on remembering Stella for who she is and NOT for who she was. She is beautiful and full of life and still full of mischief, and we can all attest to this. Stella Miracles are everywhere we look, Stella Miracles are in everything we do, and Stella Miracles are in everything we stand for. We have all stood together with you arm in arm, we have stood with you in extreme sadness since June 24, 2011 when the initials D I P G was a foreign language to us all. Stella made us realize the beauty in the little things that grown ups forget sometimes. We have stood with you and SMILED when Stella Miracles went on day trips, overnight trips, Cottage trips, Dairy Queen trips, Timmie trips, Avocado trips to the store, Riverdale trips, Sesame trips and of course Great Wolfe Lodge trips. The best gift we can have is the gift of memories made by our love ones, memories that will last us a lifetime. For those of us that celebrate Christmas, I know I have looked at my Christmas ornaments differently this year and I picked one special one and called it Stella Miracle Ornament. I wish I had a Stella Star to put up on my tree, Stella Star would be proudly displayed on our Christmas Tree. When I heard of these 20 little angels taken from us tragically last week, I wept like everyone then I remembered we have our own special Angel named Stella and she is waiting for them all with open arms and full of laughter, giggles and mischief. Keep her spitfire going this Christmas and know that Stella would want to wreck havoc with Sam and Hugo, make it a special one for the boys. Much love to all of you for this Christmas Season. 2013 will be very challenging, but we will all be here with you - YOU ARE NEVER ALONE......Danielle
Renee:
Dec 20, 2012 at 01:20 PM
Hi Mishi, Aimee, and family,
I think of you and Stella all of the time. I was looking through some summer pictures on my camera the other day and found a beautiful shot of a bright orange tiger lily and it reminded me immediately of Stella-vibrant, beautiful, fragile. I will continue to honour Stella by seeing her in all the beautiful things this world allows us to experience. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that this Christmas you feel the love and comfort of family.
Hugs,
Renee
Miranda:
Dec 20, 2012 at 10:53 AM
Checking in to see how you and your family are doing. Thank you for giving all of us the gift of sharing Stella, and the gift of your honesty. Hope that this bunch of strangers give you the gift of knowing people care a lot about you and the gift of a space to talk about this horrible experience honestly. It's your Christmas, and you do whatever you need to do this year to make it through. Thinking of you and your family often, and especially sweet Gracie, who is my daughter's age. Wishing you peace (even if that's an impossible order) and comfort.
Christa:
Dec 20, 2012 at 10:05 AM
I think of you and Stella everyday...even more as Christmas quickly approaches. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through and how sad and beat up you are feeling. I hope you find some comfort through the Holidays with your amazing family. I'm sending you the biggest hug and all my love....wishing you peace and comfort "xox"
Rosa:
Dec 19, 2012 at 07:10 PM
Hi you do not know me but I started reading your blog after reading the Toronto Star articles. I am truly sorry for your loss and feel as though I knew Stella, even though I never met her. It must be terribly difficult for you this Christmas and celebrating as best as you can for the benefit of your 2 boys and family. But I wish you the very best Christmas possible.
Karen Wolfe:
Dec 19, 2012 at 05:38 PM
Mishi, Aimee, Sam and Hugo,
Have read all of the postings and each one fills me with such sadness. I have been following many children that have had this D.I.P.G monster and it is always the same result and I pray each day for all the little ones who have lost the fight and those who will and mostly I pray that they will soon understand and be able to cure this. In the meantime absolutely no words will ever be said that will help you as the only thing is time, time to grieve, time to be angry, and even times to smile when you remember something. One day the light with begin to shine once more a little brighter than it does right now but until then take care of each other, understand and love because no matter what happened Stella was a beautiful little girl that has left a huge mark in this word and she was who she was because of her loving parents and family and pretty sure no little girl was ever loved more and she knew that and still does. I think of you guys every single day and truly wish I knew you and had known Stella. You are wonderful role models for your sons and she will live on through them
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